humor: quips'n 1 liners: From The Observation Department

From: jb Sent: Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.'

--Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.  But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

-- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.  I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

-- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible

-- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

-- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

-- Mark Twain

-- By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

Socrates

I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.

-- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.  Every now and then she stops to breathe.

-- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

-- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

-- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

-- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness ... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

-- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

-- Joe Namath

I don't feel old.  I don't feel anything until noon.  Then it's time for my nap.

-- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..

-- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

-- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you.

-- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out..

-- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

-- Billy Crystal

And the cardiologist's diet:- If it tastes good spit it out.

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