satire - "America dumbs down, a 2009 Football Scouting Report" -or- "The State of the Nation"

From: aerc1/1776 Sent: Friday, October 09, 2009

It has finally arrived...the 2009 football scouting  report.  The following is currently making the rounds of Division I football  coaches:

Wayfron P. Jackson: 6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver.  Hottest prospect from Texas in the last ten years.  Loves  rap music.  Will demand a mini-cassette in his helmet.  Currently holds  world record for the most "you knows" during an interview (62 in one minute).  Wayfron can print his complete name.

Cletis Quinticious Jenkins: 6' 3", 220 lbs.  Running Back.  Set state  scoring record out of Triton High School, Dunn, N.C.  Also led the state in burglaries,  but has only 9 convictions.  He has been clocked at 4.2 seconds in the  40 yard dash with a 19" TV under each arm.

Roosevelt "Dude" Dansell: 6' 1", 195 lbs.  Running Back.  From Tyler, Texas  .. Has processed hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well.  Before he signed his letter of intent, he wanted the school to change colors to chartreuse and pink.   Listed his church preference as "red brick."

Woodrow Lee Washington: 6' 8", 310 lbs.  Tackle.  From  a 4th generation welfare family.  At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children.  Mother claims Woodrow and child No. 9 have same father.  He has a  manslaughter trial pending, but feels he will be found innocent because:  "The dude said somethin? bad 'bout my Momma."  On his entrance form, he  listed his I.Q. as 20-20.

Willie "Night Train" Smith: 6'4", 225  lbs.  Quarterback.  Born on an Amtrak train.  Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old.  Thinks the "N" on Nebraska 'S helmets stands for "Nowledge," but still meets this school's stringent entrance requirements.Insists on wearing No. 32 jersey since it matches his score on  his SAT's.

Tyrone "Python" Peoples: 6'10", 228 lbs. Wide  Receiver.  Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges.  Tyrone had already signed letters of intent with six other colleges, but was also willing to sign with us.  Likes wild women and red Cadillacs.  Thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Telephone Company.

Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali:  6'10", 305 lbs.  Guard.  Played high school ball under the name Sylvester Lee Jones until he discovered religion.  Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville.   Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear."  (Doesn't know the meaning of many other words, either.)

Note: College track coaches intend to use several of the above signees in their track programs.  However, instead of using a starting gun at track meets, the NCAA has now agreed to use a burglar  alarm.

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