Court Reporter - Quips from the stand: Legal 'Minds'?

From: jimmy Sent: Thursday, January 26, 2012

It Can be Hard Keeping a Straight Face as a COURT REPORTER  These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place. ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning? WITNESS:     He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?' ATTORNEY:  And why did that upset you? WITNESS:     My name is Susan! ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all? WITNESS:     Yes. ATTORNEY:  And in what ways does it affect your memory? WITNESS:     I forget.. ATTORNEY:  You forget?  Can you give us an example of something you forgot? ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY:  The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he? WITNESS:      He's 20, much like your IQ. ___________________________________________ ATTORNEY:  Were you present when your picture was taken? WITNESS:     Are you kidding me? ________________________________________ (My Favorite) ATTORNEY:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? WITNESS:     Yes. ATTORNEY:  And what were you doing at that time? WITNESS:     Getting laid. ____________________________________________ (Another favorite) ATTORNEY:  She had three children, right? WITNESS:     Yes. ATTORNEY:  How many were boys? WITNESS:      None. ATTORNEY:   Were there any girls? WITNESS:      Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney.  Can I get a new attorney? ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY:  How was your first marriage terminated? WITNESS:     By death. ATTORNEY:  And by whose death was it terminated? WITNESS:     Take a guess. ____________________________________________ ATTORNEY:  Can you describe the individual? WITNESS:     He was about medium height and had a beard ATTORNEY:  Was this a male or a female? WITNESS:     Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male. _____________________________________ ATTORNEY:  Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney? WITNESS:     No, this is how I dress when I go to work. ______________________________________ ATTORNEY:  Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people? WITNESS:     All of them... The live ones put up too much of a fight. _________________________________________ ATTORNEY:  ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK?  What school did you go to? WITNESS:     Oral... _________________________________________ ATTORNEY:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body? WITNESS:     The autopsy started around 8:30 PM ATTORNEY:  And Mr. Denton was dead at the time? WITNESS:     If not, he was by the time I finished. ____________________________________________ And last:         (Well OK, this is the best) ATTORNEY:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? WITNESS:     No. ATTORNEY:  Did you check for blood pressure? WITNESS:     No. ATTORNEY:  Did you check for breathing? WITNESS:     No. ATTORNEY:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? WITNESS:     No. ATTORNEY:  How can you be so sure, Doctor? WITNESS:     Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. ATTORNEY:  I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? WITNESS:     Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.  One of mine - rfh: The defense attorney is pointing to a table where seated was his team of fellow defense attorneys and each of their clients. ATTORNEY:  Which of the people sitting at that table do you believe are criminals? WITNESS:     Among the defendants or attorneys? ATTORNEY:  Your Honor!!!

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