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Late Night Jokes from Newsmax.com
Headlines (Scroll down or click the link for complete stories):
- The Jay Leno Show
- The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien
- Late Show Top Ten
- Late Show with David Letterman
- The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
- Jimmy Kimmel Live!
- Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
• Congratulations to President Obama and first lady Michelle. They celebrated their 17th wedding anniversary this week. After their anniversary dinner President Obama took Michelle back to the White House for a romantic evening, which is the first time since he took office that he has been able to close the deal.
• At first they couldn't agree where they should celebrate. He wanted to go to Chicago, but she voted for Rio.
• In response to criticism that he's not fulfilling a campaign promise, the president's national security adviser said Obama will overturn the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy, "at the right time." when asked what the right time would be he said, "Don't ask, I'm not telling."
• David Letterman was a victim of extortion this week. I also had the same problem recently. A producer from "Dateline NBC" tried to blackmail me, but luckily no one watches NBC.
The Tonight Show with Conan O'Brien
• Sarah Palin's book hasn't even come out yet and it's already No. 1 on Amazon. The cover of Sarah Palin's book has been released, and it features a picture of Palin gazing off into the distance, deep in thought. The photographer says that capturing that one moment was the most rewarding 11 hours of his career.
• This weekend, President Obama is going to speak to the nation's largest gay rights group, and members of the group are upset that he hasn't kept his campaign promises to them. However, the gay rights group says all will be forgiven if Obama makes the speech shirtless.
• The 2009 Nobel Prize in physics has been awarded to three scientists: a 79-year-old, a 75-year-old, and an 85-year-old. They received the award for successfully programming a VCR.
• A cruise ship is going to retrace the path of the Titanic and will feature the original food and activities Titanic passengers took part in. The activities include sinking and drowning.
Late Show Top Ten
Top Ten Signs You're Dealing With A Bad Cryonic Preservation Company
10. It's called "Cryonics 'N Things" 9. Cold storage room is kept at 74 degrees 8. At Christmas party, you find grandpa's head chilling the eggnog 7. Motto: "If we don't bring you back to life . . . what are you going to do about it?" 6. "State-of-the-art freezer" is an Igloo cooler in backseat of owner's Hyundai 5. Every now and then, the body of Karl Malden wakes up and eats someone 4. From inside the storage pods, you hear faint cries for help 3. Rated last in "Cryonic Preservation Weekly" 2. For fun, technicians dress bodies to reenact this week's "Mad Men" 1. Representative answers all your questions with "Huh?"
Late Show with David Letterman
• The Olympic Committee turned down President Obama's request to have the Olympics in Chicago. He was so upset, he invited himself to the White house for a beer.
• Here's a strange turn of events: it turns out Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is actually Jewish, but he changed his name. I thought the only Jewish dictator was Mayor Bloomberg.
• They found out Ahmadinejad was Jewish when he launched into a hate-filled rant about himself.
• The Supreme Court is in session for the new year. It was Sonia Sotomayor's first day. They did a little rookie hazing - Justice Roberts glued her gavel to the desk.
The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson
• Sarah Palin?s ex-son-in-law Levi Johnston is going to be a spokesman for pistachios. It makes sense because after being part of the Palin family he's become an expert on nuts.
• The group Kiss has a new album out. Some people have never seen an album, so I'll explain: It's a flat vinyl disc that goes on a record player, and a toucan on the side of the record player drops his beak into the groove, and everyone dances the jitterbug.
• I saw Kiss just before I turned 30. The lead singer, Gene Simmons, used to go out with Cher. They're still close; for their next tour Cher is letting them borrow some of her faces.
Jimmy Kimmel Live!
• Former 'American Idol' judge Paula Abdul was in the audience of 'Dancing with the Stars' last night. She was there because she's homeless.
• Paula has painted Simon Cowell's image on her nails, partly so she could celebrate his birthday and partly so she can slowly clip his head off.
• Here's some swine flu news: The swine flu has struck and infected one of the Backstreet Boys. When one of them gets infected, America is infected.
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
• President Obama gave a talk to members of the House and Senate today about options for the war in Afghanistan. The title of his speech was "Any ideas? Cause I've got nothing."
• North Korea's Kim Jong-Il is now saying that he'll consider talks with the United States if it can help improve our relationship. I'm starting to feel like we're the Jon & Kate of countries.
• Catholic churches throughout New York City are no longer offering wine at communion to help prevent the spread of swine flu. Not only will the churches stop offering wine, the Communion wafer is available in a nasal spray.
• A new study says that the city with the smartest residents in the U.S. is Raleigh, N.C., followed by San Francisco, Boston, and Minneapolis. The study ranked America's smartest from one to 55. Fresno, Calif., came in 55th. The mayor of Fresno was like "That's great, but who came in last?"
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