From: aerc1/1776 Sent: Friday, October 09, 2009
It has finally arriv ed/personname>...the 2009 football scouting report. The following is currently making the rounds of Division I football coaches:
Wayfron P. Jackson: 6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from Texas/place>/state> in the last ten years. Loves rap music. Will demand a mini-cassette in his helmet. Currently holds world record for the most "you knows" during an interview (62 in one minute). Wayfron can print his complete name.
Cletis Quinticious Jenkins: 6' 3", 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Triton High School, Dunn/city>, N.C./state>/place> Also l ed/personname> the state in burglaries, but has only 9 convictions. He has been clock ed/personname> at 4.2 seconds in the 40 yard dash with a 19" TV under each arm.
Roosevelt/place> "Dude" Dansell: 6' 1", 195 lbs. Running Back. From Tyler/city>, Texas/state>/place> .. Has process ed/personname> hair and imitates Billy Dee Williams very well. Before he sign ed/personname> his letter of intent, he want ed/personname> the school to change colors to chartreuse and pink. List ed/personname> his church preference as "r ed/personname> b rick/personname>."
Woodrow Lee Washington: 6' 8", 310 lbs. Tackle. From a 4th generation welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children. Mother claims Woodrow and child No. 9 have same father. He has a manslaughter trial pending, but feels he will be found innocent because: "The dude said somethin? bad 'bout my Momma." On his entrance form, he list ed/personname> his I.Q. as 20-20.
Willie "Night Train" Smith: 6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old. Thinks the "N" on Nebraska 'S helmets stands for "Nowl ed/personname>ge," but still meets this school's stringent entrance requirements.Insists on wearing No. 32 jersey since it matches his score on his SAT's.
Tyrone "Python" Peoples: 6'10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges. Tyrone had already sign ed/personname> letters of intent with six other colleges, but was also willing to sign with us. Likes wild women and r ed/personname> Cadillacs. Thinks Taco Bell/place>/city> is the Mexican Telephone Company.
Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali: 6'10", 305 lbs. Guard. Play ed/personname> high school ball under the name Sylvester Lee Jones until he discover ed/personname> religion. Abdul thinks Sherlock Holmes is a housing project in Jacksonville/place>/city>. Doesn't know the meaning of the word "fear." (Doesn't know the meaning of many other words, either.)
Note: College track coaches intend to use several of the above signees in their track programs. However, instead of using a starting gun at track meets, the NCAA has now agre ed/personname> to use a burglar alarm.
Wayfron P. Jackson: 6' 6", 215 lbs. Wide Receiver. Hottest prospect from
Cletis Quinticious Jenkins: 6' 3", 220 lbs. Running Back. Set state scoring record out of Triton High School,
Woodrow Lee Washington: 6' 8", 310 lbs. Tackle. From a 4th generation welfare family. At 19 he's the oldest of 21 children. Mother claims Woodrow and child No. 9 have same father. He has a manslaughter trial pending, but feels he will be found innocent because: "The dude said somethin? bad 'bout my Momma." On his entrance form, he list
Willie "Night Train" Smith: 6'4", 225 lbs. Quarterback. Born on an Amtrak train. Birth certificate indicates he is 27 years old. Thinks the "N" on Nebraska 'S helmets stands for "Nowl
Tyrone "Python" Peoples: 6'10", 228 lbs. Wide Receiver. Has a pending paternity suit and two rape trials, but hopes none of his other 9 victims will file charges. Tyrone had already sign
Abdul Hasheen Abba Ali: 6'10", 305 lbs. Guard. Play
Note: College track coaches intend to use several of the above signees in their track programs. However, instead of using a starting gun at track meets, the NCAA has now agre
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